Advice I Wish My Mother Had Given Me

I’ve always been a woman’s woman and, although over the years I’ve accumulated some very dear male friends, I consider myself incredibly lucky to have lots of wonderful females in my life. Sometimes, now that I’m older, I find young women looking to me in much the same way I once looked at my older women friends – hoping for some words of wisdom to help guide me on my way. Shamefully, I’m no wiser now than I was at 20 so not much use in the advice department. Likewise my mother was never very forthcoming where preparation for life was concerned but here are a few pearls of wisdom that I wish she’d passed my way.

Focus on the inside rather than the outside

Now this was never going to come from my mum given that she’s been a functioning anorexic since her early teens. However, I think it’s really important. As a young woman I seldom felt confident about my appearance but, looking back, what a waste all those years of hiding behind a cardi were. On the wrong side of 50, I’m happy to accept that youthful skin, glossy hair and a cellulite-free body are long gone. What’s scary is the number of women, who frankly should know better, that are on a hiding to nothing chasing after eternal youth. Chemical peels, tattooed eyebrows and Russian eyelashes are the tame end of an industry designed to convince us that we can buy back our younger years. Taken to the extreme we’ve got women electing for potentially deadly surgery in a desperate attempt to reverse nature. In the words of a dear 70 year old friend, these people need to read more and then maybe they wouldn’t have the time to look in the mirror so much. I would go one step further, read, write, study – do whatever you can to nourish your inner spirit because that is where true enlightenment exists.

Don’t bank on tomorrow

I grew up in a family defined by ‘saving for a rainy day’. Money was not to be squandered, best china kept for guests and clothes ‘too good’ to wear every day. I confess once I was in charge of my own finances the sensible approach didn’t really stick but I never quite managed to shake the saving things ‘for best’ mentality. Despite the majority of my time being spent at work, I’d wear my least favourite clothes as wearing my nice ones seemed like a waste. I’d drink from ugly mugs whilst perfectly good ones languished in my cupboard waiting for guests. I had a drawer full of ‘best’ underwear which never saw the light of day because wearing it on a wet Wednesday felt too frivolous. It doesn’t take an expert to figure out that all these habits are born out of the idea that it’s somehow wrong to celebrate ourselves on a day to day basis. Everything changed for me when my dad died at the relatively young age of 63. Having been careful all his life he never got to enjoy any retirement years or do any of the things he’d planned for. He left behind a wardrobe full of ‘best’ clothes which were subsequently donated to a charity shop for someone else to wear as randomly as they pleased. The moral of the story then is don’t wait – if you want to do something, do it now. Don’t save anything for best, instead make your best day now.

Why say no when you can say yes?

This started off as a bit of a joke catch-phrase between my sister and myself in recognition of the fact that we’d both become rather set in our ways and more inclined to say ‘no’ than ‘yes’. However, on January 1^st, I decided to embrace it as my New Year’s resolution and uncharacteristically have actually stuck to it. 2018 has been the most sociable year I’ve had in a long time and on the whole it’s been a success. I won’t lie; there have been hiccups, like an Anne Summer’s party that culminated in me contemplating an escape through the bathroom window. In the end a not entirely fictional ‘stress migraine’ sufficed. To offset that horror though, I’ve been out dancing for the first time in far too long, embraced The Carpenters for my go-to karaoke song and discovered bingo. In short, I may have knocked a few years off my care home time by drinking too much gin and eating all the wrong food but the fun and laughter that saying ‘yes’ has brought is worth it. If you find that ‘no’ is out of your mouth before you’re even sure what’s on offer then I recommend you give the ‘why say no when you can say yes’ lark a try.

Nothing stays the same

Or to quote Robert Frost, “Nothing Gold Can Stay” and this is a universal dilemma as we all stagger our way to the grave. The older we get the more change seems to be a big deal, I suppose because we are less inclined to try new things. However, the flip side of “Nothing Gold Can Stay” is that nothing really crap can stay either. Let’s face it, you don’t get to be 50 plus without having endured a horror or two and one positive of being an old fogey is that you understand firsthand that it’s possible to survive anything. In fact, it’s not only possible, it’s inevitable. As long as you are above ground and putting one foot in front of the other then everything, no matter how terrible, will pass. Grief becomes less raw, depression lifts, pain fades and life goes on. Change is scary when it represents loss, be that youth, time or love but it’s also reassuring because it means there’s always light at the end of even the darkest tunnel.

Right that’s your lot; I’m exhausted from all this wise thinking. I might need to have a lie down. Feel free to add your own pearls of wisdom though.