Wednesday, 14 September 2016


Did you know there are hardly any female serial killers? It’s true, I’ve read it. Nobody ever thinks it could be a woman which means I’m completely off the radar. Especially given that I’m middle-aged, law abiding with no connections to the police at all. Except for those times I complained but they don’t really count because the useless young idiots who turned up didn’t even bother to write anything down.

That’s how I knew they weren’t going to do anything. They were just humouring a fussy old woman, I could see it in the way they didn’t even have the common courtesy to make eye contact when I was telling them about the goings on. They could barely contain their impatience to get gone. Probably chomping at the bit to be off fighting ‘real crime’, no doubt tasering someone or giving them a good kicking. Oh I read the newspapers and these two weren’t fooling me. I don’t know who these louts think pay their wages, I pay my council tax and the rates on my shop are astronomical.

That’s what gets my goat the most - here I am a small business woman trying to bring something to the area and all I get for my trouble is disgusting drunken men urinating down my door, students who should know better vomiting everywhere and worst of all I once found a used condom on my doorstep. I swear to all that’s holy this country has gone to hell. I’m just glad my dear old mum’s not here to see it. She always used to say, if you haven’t got standards then you are nothing.

Nothing! These people are nothing, they don’t count, and they’ve brought everything on themselves. I watch them walking past, young women with all their flesh hanging out – big fat things most of them. I don’t know what it is about young people and food. Emily, the girl who works for me, is no better. Lovely girl, even though she’s a bit dim. She’s a university student as well although it’s not like it used to be, they’ll let anybody in these days. I’ve tried to talk to her about standards but she’s too busy eating cake. She’s obsessed with cake! It’s like mum used to say, one thousand calories is all the body needs. These young ones though they don’t listen, they just let it all hang out. Disgusting creatures most of them if you ask me.

That’s the trouble though they never ask me. I could sort this country out in no time at all. In fact, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve had to be, what do they call it – pro-active? I knew the police weren’t going to help, total waste of time they were so I took matters into my own hands. It all started with a young hoodlum, you know the type I mean – trousers practically around his knees and all his under garments on show. I’ve lost all hope for this country, I really have. Anyway I was sorting though my stock so the shop was closed and I watched him relieve himself against my door, bold as brass he was.

How could I let that go? Absolutely no standards at all. I don’t really know what came over me but without realising it I slipped the knife I’d been using for slitting the boxes into my pocket and quietly stepped out into the darkness. I followed him for ages and he never even noticed it was like I was invisible. I didn’t plan anything, not that time, but when he veered off down a shortcut between two shops I quickened my pace and stuck the knife in his back. Right between his shoulder blades.

He screamed so loudly I felt sure everyone must have heard and I admit I did panic. I pulled the knife out and plunged it into his throat, mainly just to shut him up. I think it was a bit of a shock to both of us how much blood sprayed out. I was covered in it. I had to take my cardi off and carry it back to the shop. It was completely ruined. Nobody noticed though and that’s when I realised how easy it was.

I don’t bother with the police now, I sort out my own problems and it’s much quicker and more effective. There’s no warnings, no second chances. My mum always used to say, give people an inch and they’ll take a mile and she was right. In fact sometimes I’m doing these people a favour. Take the homeless man for instance who had the cheek to bed down in my doorway. What life has he got? I did feel some compassion, I mean I’m not heartless and they do say these things can befall any of us. I might even have looked the other way if he hadn’t left all his dirty litter behind like an animal. No, he had zero standards, no good to himself or anyone else; it was like putting a dog out of its misery.

It took a while for the police to start to notice, I told you they’re a waste of time, total dimwits the lot of them. They’re warning people now though not to be out at night by themselves. I just hope people listen and start behaving like decent human beings. It’s not like I enjoy doing all this extra work on top of running a business. Some days I’m exhausted from it all but somebody's got to have standards or we might as well be savages.